• Heal And Chill



These article contains information about sexual assault and/or violence which may be triggering to survivors.

I had always thought that I lived in a safe place, where my friends and family came from an educated background with high ethics. It was delusional but a really beautiful world.

The person who did this was a friend, someone who I trusted more than anyone. When the realization hit me that this was all he wanted from the start, it broke me. That day I went there with a huge smile on my face; I remember dressing up, wearing a Disney hoodie and worrying that I look like a child. I came back with my eyes sticking to the ground as I tried to pretend that nothing happened to me and there is no possible way that a friend can do something that cruel.

It was all I thought about, for months, no other thought came to my mind. I would wake up from shock as I started hallucinating that he is in front of me. If I turned my head too fast I would suddenly feel him breathing on my face, telling me to calm down and stop moving. I

would flinch every time someone touched me anywhere, even my own mother, I still do. I can't even think of trusting anyone ever again because the person who did this was the only one I had trusted so deeply in such a long time.

I remember thinking that I could just die from this trauma. I remember not being able to breathe, having my voice stuck in my throat and my body betraying me by not fighting back as it froze from the fear of getting physically hurt. I was crying and my mind begged me to pass out or do anything to stop this because it just can't bear being violated like this anymore. Even when I was back and safe at my home I would still feel him touch me continuously as if I am stuck in that state. Whenever my mind would make me think it's happening again, I had to cover my mouth so that no one hears me if I cry out loud.

I had believed that people like this look like monsters and they can never be one of us. They will come with a negative energy that will drive us away but I was so wrong. They look just like us, they are normal people around us who are really good at hiding their monstrosities inside.

I still remember confronting him after a few days. He apologised in the most casual way and asked me to act normal and move on from it because it wasn't a big deal.


Picture Credit - Mxsh

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